I love it in the fall. The grain is ripening. The wind is blowing and the grain bends to the will of the wind.

This is the analogy of how our power affects other individuals. A shear wind will break the grain to the ground making it difficult to harvest. Or the wind blows through the standing grain.

The power we have is so important to be in harmony with what the grain needs. The grain welcomes that kind of wind because the wind is so in tune with the grain.

When we use our power for good, people welcome and enjoy our presence because it enhances their growth. Are you a shear wind or stormy weather that breaks the growth of the ripening grain? Or does your wind blow through the grain allowing it to ripen into a beautiful, bountiful harvest?

With You in Mind,
Norm

Not What You First Might Think

Breakups happen because of abuse and not mostly because of physical violence. It is because of what is happening at the core of the relationship.

What stops the love from growing is about abuse. But that’s not easy to spot.

So you’re wondering, who is the problem?

You are determined to find out. This is your time. You are going to find out what is going on.

There are three types of strategies (plans) that abusers follow and the varying tactics used to support those strategies. Not that they sit down and write out a plan. It is their long established patterns of how they live their life. In working with victims and their abusers, I have discovered these three basic strategies which I discuss in my book “It’s All About Power and Control…” (Chapters 6-9):

1. WITHHOLDING STRATEGY: Withdrawing their involvement in order to control another’s response to them. They want their victim to come their way, do their bidding, and to follow their lead. And they hold significant power to do that in their relationship.
2. DECEPTION STRATEGY: Manipulation of the mindset in others. Their own deceptions about life are being imposed on others. They connive and scheme their way around with the sense that they are right while they make their victim believe it’s their problem.
3. CRISIS-RISK STRATEGY: Violent domination usually with physical risks of harm to someone or something meaningful to them. Society mostly understands this to be what abuse is about, but abuse has a more insidious core.

There are many and varied tactics for each of these strategies. Abusers invent new tactics but fall into one or more of these three strategies.

The victim mindset is part and parcel of the control relationship. But the controller misuses that vulnerability in the relationship.

The mind game of the abuser is to control what someone thinks and does. That is for the purpose of   restoring the abuser’s order – the way they think things must be.

These dynamics tear aware at the fibre of society. This is at the core of what is abusive in a relationship.

You may feel something is wrong but don’t know what it is. With tactics that are less easy to identify and hence verbalize, it’s important to consider their long term effects to bring clarity to what is happening. Look at the results over time. Something is producing this. Take for example the feeling of wanting to be away from the other one as if being smothered when around them. And, you may not even know why. You just know you are dying inside when around them. This is likely related to the subtle nature of abuse in your relationship.

Abuse victims waste away over the stress caused in the relationship producing side effects such as:  physically with poor health, mentally with confused thoughts, emotionally with anxiety and depression, and even spirituality with radicalism and unquestioned adherence within twisted spiritual dimensions.

Change is possible. It will make a difference…if caught in an abusive relationship. If people are treated as valuable, they will gain through experience a sense of worth. If others are to be your identity, that is too much power for them to have. Don’t give your power away. Out of the power you possess, live your life full and free, happy and well. You don’t have to gain your identity from others. Your intrinsic value, your identity, is because you are a human being formed, developed, and designed that way.

Looking within at the resources you already have developed can be the starting point for your journey to wholeness, from coping to conquering life, from immaturity to a healthy relational presence.

You can be in self control. Your value is not all wrapped up in everybody’s comments or thoughts about you. You have the power to make your identity become a healthy thing. Take this simple but profound thought to heart.

I hope that you will take this, own this, and help reduce the abuse that is embedded within your relationship.

With You in Mind,
Norm

Understand It Through The Quality Of Its Power And Control Dynamics!

Is your marriage stretched to the limit? Are you thinking separation or the big D is the only option left? Relationships are best understood through the quality of the Power and Control dynamics that are present in each one.

Consider what Power is: it is the ability or strength or capability to do or be. This is true whether it is physical or mental or emotional or relational power. For example, you have the mental power (ability) to change your mind. This is true whether you change it or don’t change it. You still have the ability to do it.

Consider what Control is: it is the way you use your power. Acting on that change of mind, whether positive or not, makes use of your ability to change your mind. This is where it becomes evident whether the action is beneficial or detrimental.

Power and Control are neutral, not good or bad, until they are used. Just because you have the power to change your mind doesn’t presume the change will be good or not. How do you use your power and your control?

Abuse, at its core, is the misuse of a person’s Power and Control (P&C). The abusive use of P&C is cyclic in nature. The methods of abusing usually follow a pattern over time where the person varies his or her actions from seeming OK to agitated or aggressive. There are strategies with their many tactics used by an abuser in the misuse of their Power and control.

Whether a person does it intentionally or unintentionally is not the primary issue. The fact that someone is misusing their P&C is what is most important. Learn what is happening. It will bring clarity to what is holding the relationship back in order for both to make the changes needed for an improved relationship.

What you actually do in a relationship reflects your inner beliefs. What are you contributing to the relationship? The misuse of Power and Control is caused from a skewed view of what life is all about. Restored relationships come out of a renewed view by each one of what is healthy and then living that. As you grow up you gain more power and that is being used to influence and impact your relationships, whether it’s good or not.

Abusers typically have dominating control from the power they have or are given. Victims typically react to that dominant control. Victims will entrust themselves to the power of their abuser even though at times trying to resist the abusive actions.

Use your power for good.  Walk your talk. You are in charge of your control. What you do with your power determines whether it is beneficial or detrimental.

Insert what is right, whole, good, and mature to improve your relationship. This offers the best chance to have a healthy one.

Many people give up trying to make their marriage better. This is often due to their ignorance of its Power and Control dynamics. Put lots of energy into understanding the Power and Control influences you are facing. This can help you decide whether there is hope or no hope for improvement.

It’s important that you live whole and mature in your own life. You have the power to do that. You can control yourself. Every step forward is important.

I believe that Two Healthy People Makes One Healthy Relationship.

With You In Mind,
Norm

First, both the therapist and client need to have a learning attitude towards life. This makes a huge difference in the success of counseling. If the client’s attitude is that of “I don’t care to learn from you”, even if you do things right, it is unlikely they will benefit from the therapeutic process. This attitude is most often evidenced when a client is under some type of obligation to be in therapy such as being court ordered or at the insistence of a spouse. On the other hand, if they come with the attitude of “I’m interested in learning from you” it is likely, even if you fumble the ball at times, they will have a useful experience to help them resolve their problems.

Secondly, the goal of both therapist and client needs to have some common ground, similar enough to have a starting point. If a client comes with the desire on their heart to find some answers to why their life is so problematic help usually results. The more similar the goal – the more likely the help.

If the client’s goal is for you to agree with them that can lead to ineffective results. In the early stages of counseling, I probe the client’s teach-ability factor. They may at first state their intent to learn and change. Later, if they show their reluctance for change, I come back to the earlier discussions and challenge them to sort out what they are really saying and what really is their goal in coming to counseling. Sometimes they are so hesitant from previous mistreatment they may at first resist learning. Then, as trust builds, they start to open up. This is different than the one whose goal is simply for you to agree with them.

When there is an alignment of attitudes and goals between you and your client, this offers the most effective environment for positive change as a result of the therapy.

It’s not just my decision as to what the money will be spent on. I’m not in charge of determining where the money is spent. It is a decision for both of us to make. To approach the relationship without deciding on money issues is a denial of the fact that money is truly a part of the daily reality of a relationship. It’s important to have the attitude that it is our money, not just mine. She needs to realize it is hers as well. Approaching money as ours enhances our harmony as we enjoy the benefits from this type of healthy attitude. It is inspiring to make spending plans together as a couple to keep the vibrancy in our relationship.

Some people decide to do nothing in order to avoid being wrong.

That is a problem!

To do nothing keeps you from being a benefit to the relationship. You may want to only be involved when you can do right. That is not how a relationship works.

Relationships operate best when you participate by investing yourself as you really are now then make course corrections along the way. Doing nothing is like a ball and chain around the other. Those who are spinning their wheels faster and faster in an attempt to bring life into the relationship may be reacting to the do nothing approach of their partner. This approach is the primary source of power behind the growing anxiety.

To solve the angst problem take the risk of investing yourself as you self correct along the way.

Have you been trying to grab the attention of your spouse to the troubles in your marriage relationship? Is it going nowhere and you are at your wits end? It has been amazing to me as a counseling therapist how powerful separation is to gain the attention of a reluctant spouse to the seriousness of the matters that tear away at the marriage harmony. It seems that when separation takes place, often a switch goes off in the partner’s head that awakens their sense of urgency, draws them out of complacency, and starts them on the road of personal investigation into the marriage problems. I mention in this video that often the reason for this is about how much it is known outside the family that the marriage is in trouble. As long as it can be kept “in-house”, the urgency isn’t there. Once it affects the spouse’s outside relationships, then it is given a higher priority.

I caution those considering separation if there is risk of physical harm, to have a well laid plan before leaving. Also, it is not a matter to take lightly as an attention getter. Be serious about it or the results may complicate any future attempt to separate.

This may be your time to raise the level of concern to the place separation may be the best option. If your spouse refuses to get the help needed to turn the marriage relationship around towards healthy and seems to only pay lip service to any move to change, this may be your time to consider separation. What is your situation like? The Power of Separation can be used for good but make sure this is well thought out or it can backfire on you. It is important for you to get advice on these matters from those who understand the risk.

With You in Mind,
Norm

Abuser and Victim are common terms. There are different ways of saying the same thing. I explain in this video vignette various words we use to describe this misuse of power and control in relationships. I then explain the primary dynamic that is present when these variations are used.

Listen to find out what the common result is no matter what you call it.

In this video I talk about the issues of psychological abuse and the resulting stress. I take a look at what this stress can produce in the mind and body. When a person is living with psychological abuse there is a tension that is built between what you feel you should do and doing what you are expected to do. I will give a few examples of this type of pushing in the video. When these types of control factors exist in the relationship, stress is produced.

There has been a lot of research done on how stress produces illness in the body. Dr Gabor Mate has written a whole book on this subject. The book is called “When the Body says No.” Physically, stress caused by psychological abuse puts a number of chemical components into the body system, which have an effect on the health of the body, causing damage to the immune system and interfering with overall wellbeing.

It is difficult to know how to deal with stress produced by psychological abuse. In this video I talk about some of these factors, and offer some insight into stress which produces illness. If you are experiencing this kind of stress in your relationships, you may find that you need some professional help to deal with this.

Are you involved in a psychologically abusive relationship that is now producing illness in your body and if so, what are you doing about it? Have a look at this video and please feel free to leave your comments or questions in the comment form.

With You in Mind,
Norm Quantz

In part two of this video series, I talk about the history of how I came to understand what was happening with clients who had developed multiple personalities and why I deal with clients the way that I do in the areas of multiple personality disorder and dissociative identity. I explain why I have come to view DID and MPD as a coping method and how the alter personalities came to exist.

As clients began to describe the nature of their alter personalities, they also talked about their childhood environment, abusive pasts and about some of their current relationships, I noticed that these alters represented different experiences for them. I started thinking that the alter personalities were the way that the client thought and lived and expressed the pressure that they were under, without revealing or exposing the real people responsible for the abuse they had suffered or were still suffering.

The clients reality became the presence of the alters and as I realized this, I simultaneously understood the nature of abuse that was imposed upon them which the client had tried to understand was somehow normal, when in fact the normalization of their lives was actually abnormal and not suitable to good mental health. Because they had to justify it somehow, they sought to distinguish differences between their real life, and the mindset they had to develop in order to cope.

Understanding psychological abuse is a great benefit in dealing with multiple personality and dissociative identity disorders. Have a look at this video as I expand on part one of this series on MPD and DID. As always I welcome comments.

With You in Mind,
Norm Quantz