Particularly If You Have A NH-AWS Relationship

This video considers the importance of Power and Control dynamics in your close relationships such as your marriage. Then I introduce you to a new Syndrome I have called the NH-AWS, the Nice Husband-Anxious Wife Syndrome and explain how that may be affecting the health of your relationship. And finally I outline some steps to move you forward from what your marriage is now to what you want it to be.

When you said your vows, you didn’t mean you would tolerate being abused. But now you realize that may just be what is happening and you don’t know what to do with it.

If you know what the Power and Control dynamic’s are like and who has the most power in the relationship and how that power is being used to control, you will have a useful grid to help you interpret where the problem is so it can be changed. When two people are committed to growing and developing a healthy view of life and living and relationships, you have the best chance to succeed at thriving in your marriage.

We as humans, at our core nature, are designed for and capable of healthy relationships. That is what we want. When you are committed to each other to make it healthy, that is the best opportunity you will have to fulfill those core longings.

It takes motivation from both and a well tuned relational compass by learning how to relate to each other in order to make the best happen.

Couples can find wholeness, freedom, and deep fulfillment in their marriage when they are both using healthy Power and Control dynamics in their life.

Understanding healthy Power and Control is critical to developing a healthy relationship. Guys, you can set your partner free to help her understand what power she has to make a difference in the relationship and that she can own her power and act in a way and control her life to make a difference. Men’s awareness of their Power and Control and how it is used or misused can change their relational style around and help them recognize and acknowledge their feelings, know what intimacy is all about without it being just a physical reference, and be a primary catalyst for love to grow. Both need to be acquainted with their deep relational longing of being loved and cherished and of their impact of love on the other. It raised the chances and brings hope for a thriving, long lasting relationship.

As one couple looked for help it became apparent that she was gentle, tender, and focused on a soft interpretation of love. She tried to impact him for good. He was accusative of her, blaming her for the lack of love he thought should be coming from her. He seemed to be a very needy man as if he needed her to be alright. When he realized his lifestyle and his mindset was really creating a lot of chaos in the relationship, he came to understand how much power he had in bringing confusion and stopping love from growing. When he learned that, it has resulted in a healthy change in the marriage. Instead of divorce, it has turned around to healthy, with excitement and joy spread out to their family.

With Terry and Janet (not their real names) everything seemed to be in order and things were supposedly OK but they sensed something was happening that was hard to put their finger on. They had been to many counselors to find the answer to why they were struggling. They offered an idea that it had something to do with a control problem. Their therapists didn’t pick up on that issue or didn’t know how to pursue that avenue. When I introduced them to the Power and Control dynamics, they lit up with excitement to know that someone would help them understand. They were both highly motivated to change once they learned what was happening. They turned their relationship around fairly quickly because they were very desperate to know.

Terry and Janet reflect a Nice Husband-Anxious Wife Syndrome (NH-AWS) relationship. He was a so called nice man while she was growing in her anxiety. She did her best to make love grow. He assumed her efforts would be enough to make it so. These are primary characteristics in a NHAWS relationship. The anxiety that I often see in women is something that is Google search millions of times each month, trying to find help with anxiety or depression or both. When NHAWS is present it truly gnaws away at the closeness in a relationship. It subtly is a kill joy at the health of the relationship. Yet it’s hard to understand because he is known to be so nice and she is increasingly viewed as the problem because of her anxiety reactions. There are answers for these type of confusing relationships.

Here are some Steps to Help Move from Here to Healthy:

Decide to change yourself. It’s never too late. You don’t have to live as a victim any more. You can become healthy. Make the changes with all the effort and gusto you can muster.

Know what Power and Control are all about. If you don’t understand this much, information is available. The infrastructure of a relationship is truly All About Power and Control.

Learn what healthy really is. What is your real goal you are pursuing? What is your view of love? Does it need to change to reflect what healthy really is about in a close relationship.

Don’t put up with being abused nor should you stoop to abuse or misuse others.

Use your power for good giving you the best opportunity to make your marriage the dream you wanted it to be.

With You in Mind,
Norm

Not What You First Might Think

Breakups happen because of abuse and not mostly because of physical violence. It is because of what is happening at the core of the relationship.

What stops the love from growing is about abuse. But that’s not easy to spot.

So you’re wondering, who is the problem?

You are determined to find out. This is your time. You are going to find out what is going on.

There are three types of strategies (plans) that abusers follow and the varying tactics used to support those strategies. Not that they sit down and write out a plan. It is their long established patterns of how they live their life. In working with victims and their abusers, I have discovered these three basic strategies which I discuss in my book “It’s All About Power and Control…” (Chapters 6-9):

1. WITHHOLDING STRATEGY: Withdrawing their involvement in order to control another’s response to them. They want their victim to come their way, do their bidding, and to follow their lead. And they hold significant power to do that in their relationship.
2. DECEPTION STRATEGY: Manipulation of the mindset in others. Their own deceptions about life are being imposed on others. They connive and scheme their way around with the sense that they are right while they make their victim believe it’s their problem.
3. CRISIS-RISK STRATEGY: Violent domination usually with physical risks of harm to someone or something meaningful to them. Society mostly understands this to be what abuse is about, but abuse has a more insidious core.

There are many and varied tactics for each of these strategies. Abusers invent new tactics but fall into one or more of these three strategies.

The victim mindset is part and parcel of the control relationship. But the controller misuses that vulnerability in the relationship.

The mind game of the abuser is to control what someone thinks and does. That is for the purpose of   restoring the abuser’s order – the way they think things must be.

These dynamics tear aware at the fibre of society. This is at the core of what is abusive in a relationship.

You may feel something is wrong but don’t know what it is. With tactics that are less easy to identify and hence verbalize, it’s important to consider their long term effects to bring clarity to what is happening. Look at the results over time. Something is producing this. Take for example the feeling of wanting to be away from the other one as if being smothered when around them. And, you may not even know why. You just know you are dying inside when around them. This is likely related to the subtle nature of abuse in your relationship.

Abuse victims waste away over the stress caused in the relationship producing side effects such as:  physically with poor health, mentally with confused thoughts, emotionally with anxiety and depression, and even spirituality with radicalism and unquestioned adherence within twisted spiritual dimensions.

Change is possible. It will make a difference…if caught in an abusive relationship. If people are treated as valuable, they will gain through experience a sense of worth. If others are to be your identity, that is too much power for them to have. Don’t give your power away. Out of the power you possess, live your life full and free, happy and well. You don’t have to gain your identity from others. Your intrinsic value, your identity, is because you are a human being formed, developed, and designed that way.

Looking within at the resources you already have developed can be the starting point for your journey to wholeness, from coping to conquering life, from immaturity to a healthy relational presence.

You can be in self control. Your value is not all wrapped up in everybody’s comments or thoughts about you. You have the power to make your identity become a healthy thing. Take this simple but profound thought to heart.

I hope that you will take this, own this, and help reduce the abuse that is embedded within your relationship.

With You in Mind,
Norm

Understand It Through The Quality Of Its Power And Control Dynamics!

Is your marriage stretched to the limit? Are you thinking separation or the big D is the only option left? Relationships are best understood through the quality of the Power and Control dynamics that are present in each one.

Consider what Power is: it is the ability or strength or capability to do or be. This is true whether it is physical or mental or emotional or relational power. For example, you have the mental power (ability) to change your mind. This is true whether you change it or don’t change it. You still have the ability to do it.

Consider what Control is: it is the way you use your power. Acting on that change of mind, whether positive or not, makes use of your ability to change your mind. This is where it becomes evident whether the action is beneficial or detrimental.

Power and Control are neutral, not good or bad, until they are used. Just because you have the power to change your mind doesn’t presume the change will be good or not. How do you use your power and your control?

Abuse, at its core, is the misuse of a person’s Power and Control (P&C). The abusive use of P&C is cyclic in nature. The methods of abusing usually follow a pattern over time where the person varies his or her actions from seeming OK to agitated or aggressive. There are strategies with their many tactics used by an abuser in the misuse of their Power and control.

Whether a person does it intentionally or unintentionally is not the primary issue. The fact that someone is misusing their P&C is what is most important. Learn what is happening. It will bring clarity to what is holding the relationship back in order for both to make the changes needed for an improved relationship.

What you actually do in a relationship reflects your inner beliefs. What are you contributing to the relationship? The misuse of Power and Control is caused from a skewed view of what life is all about. Restored relationships come out of a renewed view by each one of what is healthy and then living that. As you grow up you gain more power and that is being used to influence and impact your relationships, whether it’s good or not.

Abusers typically have dominating control from the power they have or are given. Victims typically react to that dominant control. Victims will entrust themselves to the power of their abuser even though at times trying to resist the abusive actions.

Use your power for good.  Walk your talk. You are in charge of your control. What you do with your power determines whether it is beneficial or detrimental.

Insert what is right, whole, good, and mature to improve your relationship. This offers the best chance to have a healthy one.

Many people give up trying to make their marriage better. This is often due to their ignorance of its Power and Control dynamics. Put lots of energy into understanding the Power and Control influences you are facing. This can help you decide whether there is hope or no hope for improvement.

It’s important that you live whole and mature in your own life. You have the power to do that. You can control yourself. Every step forward is important.

I believe that Two Healthy People Makes One Healthy Relationship.

With You In Mind,
Norm

In this video, Norm shares his excitement over the upcoming publication of his new book, “It’s all about Power and Control ~ why marriages fall apart and what it takes to put them back together again”. This book has been 4 years in the making and 25 years in the planning and research.

Norm talks about the history behind how this book came to be. When he began to notice patterns in the lives of most people, seeing how they seemed to repeat the same problems and have the same struggles over and over again, he started to wonder why that was. Once he completed his counseling training and began to provide counseling services, he noticed these very same problems with his clients.

He started to hear about the issue of power and how people control their lives; those two words together started his extensive study of power and control. Since he had a lot of trouble finding information as he searched he realized that there was an extreme need for a book about power and control and its dramatic effect on relationships.

Have a look at this video as Norm talks about his new book, on this special book introductory blog post. We will be posting the release dates for Norm’s new book, “It’s all About Power and Control” as soon as we have them.

Today on the blog I am addressing the broad subject of love. This is such a huge topic but for this video I will only discuss the aspect of what love really is.

Many people believe that real love is about communication, connection and caring for each other but what about when the communication breaks down and the connection is faulty? Does that mean that the couple is loving at sometimes and not loving at other times?

Using an easy to understand model, I explain how the struggle develops between two people in a relationship and although we can appreciate that both have valid points, I offer a third alternative that goes beyond the two view points; the definition of best. What is the best way for human beings to come to understand each other, thereby understanding more about what real love is. What results when two people strive to live in the definition of best?

As you watch this video, what thoughts come to mind? I welcome you to share them and any questions or other comments that you may have.

With You in Mind
Norm Quantz

On the subject of troubled marriages, I’ve written a book scheduled for publication December 2009, called “It’s All About Power and Control; Why marriages fall apart and what it takes to put them back together again.”

I am completely convinced that people are hard wired for relationship. If this true, then why are we failing so dismally at them? I believe that there are some key things that have been overlooked as we look at this subject and at this problem. One of these key things is the lack of understanding of the power and control dynamics that go on in a relationship.

In this video I talk about my new book and the concept of men having more power than women to influence the health of the relationship. Men have more power then they realize they do and they believe that they don’t have this relational power but that women hold most of it. They make many of their decisions based on this belief.

Counseling couples in therapy, I have discovered that when this concept in understood, marriage struggles begin to turn around and couples begin to flourish in their relationships. As you watch this video, think about your own close relationships and see if you can recognize truth in what I am presenting here. Please feel free to add your comments or questions.

With You in Mind
Norm Quantz

In a earlier video I talked about the difference between doing the best you could do or the best you would do in your relationships. In this video, the word should enters the conversation since “what you should do” is so often a big part of the relationship. I am referring to the differentiation between the words would, could and should.

The word ‘should’ usually has to do with one person having an idea that they want to impose on you. It is not a participatory way of having a relationship. It does not draw from each person’s understanding, and is most often used when one person has decided that they know best about what needs to happen and now it is up to the other person to implement this idea.

Have a look at this fun little video try to avoid the word “should” whenever possible.

With You in Mind,
Norm Quantz

Do you participate in your relationship the best you could, or the best you would? Over and over again I hear the statement “well I’m doing the best I can, I’ve done my best” But when I look at the facts in the relationship, it becomes obvious that these people are doing the best they would do, and not the best they could do.

Doing the best you would do means that when one person defines relationships and how they are supposed to work, they are not always open to the other persons view and are not willing to accept other information such as how relationships really function successfully. Be careful that you are not disabling the impact of your partner.

In this video I talk about this idea of doing the best you could verses doing the best you would. Relationships thrive when you jointly choose to do the best you could do in order to make the relationship the best it can be. Watch this video blog post and let me know your thoughts.

With You in Mind
Norm Quantz

What do women mean when they say that they want a real relationship?

Being a counseling therapist, relationship problems are something that I hear about daily. In this Video I talk about a few of the common issues that I come across in my counseling practice regarding marriage problems.

Men often struggle with trying to figure out what their wives want when it comes to relationship. Often they are not even sure what a woman means when she expresses her frustration or when she wants “more” from the marriage. Women talk about wanting a real relationship; what does that mean?

Women want to know that they are not just the extended arm of their husbands. Women want their husbands to have the same expectations for themselves that they put on their wives. Women want you to acknowledge who you are and what is real for you. Women want to know their partners and that means sharing thoughts and admitting mistakes. This is part of being real.

Have a look at this video as I explain the statements that I have made in this post and share your thoughts with me.

With You in Mind
Norm Quantz

In the last video I talked about the phrase “It’s not right or wrong” and I focused on the “its not right” half of the phrase. In this video I am discussing the “its not wrong” side of the expression.

People often use this expression in an effort not to be judged or labelled as being wrong themselves. People want to come across as loving and accepting, and therefore are more comfortable not identifying wrong.

This choice makes a perfect ground for psychological abusers who manipulate situations so that they can’t be wrong. If their victim is willing to remain neutral, it makes it very easy for a psychological abuser to do the wrong thing and not get called on it.

It is important to identify some things as wrong. Take a look at this video and see what you think. I would love to have your feedback!

With You in Mind,
Norm Quantz