Here are two wrongs I want to correct.

First, you may be told by your abuser and his family and friends that if you report the abuse you will cause the breakup of the family. I want you to know, that is a most twisted concept. You are the messenger reporting the one that caused it. The results are to be laid solely on the abuser and those that coddle that type of behaviour.

Secondly, you may feel that you are bad because reporting abuse must mean you are vindictive and you only want to be good. You need to learn how to be angry at what is wrong. This is part of maturing. You will not be able to please everyone.

Abusers want you to be happy with them so they can keep getting away with abusing. Be angry at that. Those who remain silent allow evil to flourish.

When you have found the courage to tell your sexual abuse story to the police here are a couple things you may find helpful.

1. Make an appointment to Report. This will allow the corporal to designate a seasoned officer with this speciality to take your report. It will also mean one less thing to worry about when you enter the detachment because they will be expecting you. You won’t have to awkwardly explain it to the front clerk. The transition will be smoother between walking in and being interviewed.
2. Write out your experience. Write it out prior to going to the police interview. This will allow you time to write down all the facts including the context surrounding the event/s. Handing a copy of this to the police in the interview will help them ask suitable questions to your situation, even if they prefer to write their own notes as they interview you.

By reporting the abuse, at least it is now out there for something to be done about it. It is what you can do to help curb this terrible thing in our society called sexual abuse which is ripping away at the heart and mind of people causing deep depression and anxiety. Just go do it. I believe you will have a listening ear hear your report and be empathetic to you.

With You in Mind,
Norm

Yes, it takes courage to report abuse that has or is happening to you. I trust this will help you garner the courage to do it. It’s important to report but you may not feel ready.

Your hesitancy may be in part because you heard reports of bad experiences such as those that were not believed. Police are trained now to know how to investigate sexual abuse cases. The stories many say are the reasons to not report are from years ago when police were not trained to know how to investigate sexual abuse cases. The police now have departments that specialize in this field of investigation plus have a passion to help people walk through the legal process. Step out and report it no matter how long ago it happened. This isn’t the only way to find healing, but it is one of the key components to your healing.

Note: if you know or are suspecting that a person who is a child now is being sexually abused, it is the law and the right thing to do to report it. Help stop the abuse. If you as an adult have been abused as a child, I encourage you to report to the police as part of your healing journey.

Reconsider your decision to not report. Help curb this horrendous problem in society called sexual abuse.

That’s Why “In-House” Investigations Go Nowhere

Trying to expose a sexual abuser is a rocky road. Why? Because they have honed and crafted their deception so well that they can hide their habit right under the nose of those that would, if they knew, take action to protect the victims.

Some Questions from Victims are: So How Do Sexual Abusers Hide and Get Away with It? and, What Can We Do To Expose Them so it will stop?

For victims the Top Priority is not usually exposure of the abuser. It is “How can we be assured the abuse stops?” and “How can I heal?” They would love to bypass the exposure part of the process if the other could still be achieved.

So How Do Sex Abusers Hide and Get Away with it?

1. By controlling their environment. A Sexual Abuser’s worst nightmare is to be faced with the consequences that exposure of their deeds may bring. So in their hiding place, they need to be in complete control of the environment so they can continue to ply their trade, uninterrupted.
2. By picking the victims least likely to expose them. Healthy kids and adults are less likely picked on because they won’t let others manipulate them. An abuser can detect within a few minutes who is needy and those who are a higher risk to reveal their sexual abuse secret. I’ve known sex abusers who would test out the vulnerability and responses of a parent to milder inappropriate behaviour before deciding who’s children to pick on.
3. By picking the social environment most likely to trust them. Religious settings are prime settings especially those that emphasize forgiveness and the ‘rules’ to live by. These settings are ripe for the picking – easier places to hide while in plain view. This is because sexual predators can survive, even thrive, by justifying their actions simply by twisting the applications of set rules. Then, if exposure happens, the rush to forgiveness in this type of social/religious environment makes the pain of exposure brief and easier to bear. You can recognize the theme: forgive and forget.  And more often than not, the focus is on one or two victims so the rest are not willing to be put through the wringer of pain they see the others going through.
4. By finding groups that want to keep investigations “in-house”. This is something abusers count on – damage control. And for the victims already over sensitized to not hurting anyone, they buy the idea of first trying it “in-house”.

What Can Be Done To Expose The Sexual Abuser so It Will Stop?

1. Recognize that sexual abuse is not a simple matter. By the time a child molester is reported for the first time, they have violated over 100 times. Don’t get lulled into believing it is a onetime thing or that there is only one victim.
2. Refuse to keep the investigation “In-House” even when your belief or the organization/group you are part of supports keeping the law out of it. It’s one thing to keep a small matter “In-House” such as a lie. It’s quite a different matter to deal with a criminal act as an “In-House” matter. If someone was financially violated such as in a robbery or a murder, you would let the authorities know, right? When you are sexually violated, let professionals investigate the matter with you. It’s more likely to prevent many more becoming sexual abuse victims and you have the authorities to back you up to defend your rights.
3. Report abuse to the Police or Child Protection Services, even if you need to take a support person with you. Authorities are much better trained today knowing what victims are up against. They know what to look for such as evidence of other abuse victims. Letting the sexual violator in on the investigation too early may alert him/her to cover their tracks in other abuse.
4. Don’t negotiate with the organization that the abuser is part of. There are too many conflicts of interest over things like reputation, obligations, and legal risks for the organization to negotiate on behalf of an abusive employee or member without a significant bias against the victim. I have seen many times that the typical end result of an “In-House” investigation is that the abuser gets all the information needed to water down the reported abuse and develop a defence if it ever goes to legal action. Organizations such as churches or workplaces have little ability to impose restrictive activity on the abuser – so nothing is done nor can be done to stop the abuser. An impasse is usually reached. The group’s leaders fall silent not knowing where to go from there. Even if the “In-House” investigation concludes sexual abuse happened, they have no legal enforcement or clout to keep the abuser from continuing the abuse.

The end result of “In-House” investigations usually results in the following:

• The victim is so exhausted and re-victimized through the process that they and other victims vow never to reveal their abuse. There is little energy or desire left to pursue a legal route.
• The abuser is supported more than the victim.
• The victim is subtly pressured to forgive the abuser.
• The leadership in the organization feel justified because they have been supportive of “both”.
• It ends with an awkward silence after accusations of “he said she said” go back and forth.

Remember one thing. Sexual Abusers are already skilled in deception. They deceive others and they are deceived themselves in justifying what they do. Deception is one of the three strategies of abusers I mention in my book “It’s All About Power and Control” and it has the power to fool a lot of people for a long time.

To put all this another way these may be helpful for your situation:

Sexual abusers control their risk of exposure by how they select their victims and how they do their abuse:

• They want the ones that are vulnerable to suggestion … the more ignorant of personal rights they are the better they can impose their ideas. “The younger, the better” because of this vulnerability.
• Those that tend to first blame themselves for things (tender-hearts, conscientious)
• Those around their same emotional age – more relatable (convincing).
• Abusers may slowly advance their abusive involvement
• Or quickly shock their victim by aggressive action
• Or threaten/force victims to keep quiet.

They also reduce their risk by selecting environments that will be easy on them if exposed:

• They may select those more easily duped by sincere, convincing people who believe most everything people say.
• Those that are especially needy for anything (emotional support, treats, compliments, friends, authority figures, something to believe in, etc.)

When abusers are exposed, they quickly go into damage control mode and may use any number of these:

• Denial
• Twisting/sidestepping the facts
• Minimizing the problem
• Lying/deception
• Blame shifting
• Pulling out the god card (arguing that god wants it to be this way).
• Soliciting sympathy for themselves
• Obligating others to support them

When seeking a defence, they may use the group’s ideals or religious beliefs to reduce their consequences:

• Forgiveness – making it an obligation
• Friendship – “Friend of all” mindsets
• Bible (Holy Word) quotes taken out of context to justify their actions or avoid legal consequences – “… don’t take a brother to court” or “destroy the infidels”.
• They drag their feet to slow an investigation:
• by focusing on minor issues which exhaust those involved,
• by never getting to the weightier matters.
• By skidding their feet all along the way to make it extremely difficult to get to the real issues that expose their wrongdoing.

My Encouragement:

I have found in the past dozen years or so that the police and child protection services have greatly improved their knowledge and experience in dealing with sexual abuse victims as they pursue justice against their abusers. I invite sexual abuse victims to seek out professional counseling help from someone who is experienced in victim support through the legal process and beyond to healing. You can become healthy. I refer to it as moving from just coping to conquering, becoming the healthy person you were designed, created, and formed to be.

With You in Mind,
Norm L. Quantz, MA

I love it in the fall. The grain is ripening. The wind is blowing and the grain bends to the will of the wind.

This is the analogy of how our power affects other individuals. A shear wind will break the grain to the ground making it difficult to harvest. Or the wind blows through the standing grain.

The power we have is so important to be in harmony with what the grain needs. The grain welcomes that kind of wind because the wind is so in tune with the grain.

When we use our power for good, people welcome and enjoy our presence because it enhances their growth. Are you a shear wind or stormy weather that breaks the growth of the ripening grain? Or does your wind blow through the grain allowing it to ripen into a beautiful, bountiful harvest?

With You in Mind,
Norm

Particularly If You Have A NH-AWS Relationship

This video considers the importance of Power and Control dynamics in your close relationships such as your marriage. Then I introduce you to a new Syndrome I have called the NH-AWS, the Nice Husband-Anxious Wife Syndrome and explain how that may be affecting the health of your relationship. And finally I outline some steps to move you forward from what your marriage is now to what you want it to be.

When you said your vows, you didn’t mean you would tolerate being abused. But now you realize that may just be what is happening and you don’t know what to do with it.

If you know what the Power and Control dynamic’s are like and who has the most power in the relationship and how that power is being used to control, you will have a useful grid to help you interpret where the problem is so it can be changed. When two people are committed to growing and developing a healthy view of life and living and relationships, you have the best chance to succeed at thriving in your marriage.

We as humans, at our core nature, are designed for and capable of healthy relationships. That is what we want. When you are committed to each other to make it healthy, that is the best opportunity you will have to fulfill those core longings.

It takes motivation from both and a well tuned relational compass by learning how to relate to each other in order to make the best happen.

Couples can find wholeness, freedom, and deep fulfillment in their marriage when they are both using healthy Power and Control dynamics in their life.

Understanding healthy Power and Control is critical to developing a healthy relationship. Guys, you can set your partner free to help her understand what power she has to make a difference in the relationship and that she can own her power and act in a way and control her life to make a difference. Men’s awareness of their Power and Control and how it is used or misused can change their relational style around and help them recognize and acknowledge their feelings, know what intimacy is all about without it being just a physical reference, and be a primary catalyst for love to grow. Both need to be acquainted with their deep relational longing of being loved and cherished and of their impact of love on the other. It raised the chances and brings hope for a thriving, long lasting relationship.

As one couple looked for help it became apparent that she was gentle, tender, and focused on a soft interpretation of love. She tried to impact him for good. He was accusative of her, blaming her for the lack of love he thought should be coming from her. He seemed to be a very needy man as if he needed her to be alright. When he realized his lifestyle and his mindset was really creating a lot of chaos in the relationship, he came to understand how much power he had in bringing confusion and stopping love from growing. When he learned that, it has resulted in a healthy change in the marriage. Instead of divorce, it has turned around to healthy, with excitement and joy spread out to their family.

With Terry and Janet (not their real names) everything seemed to be in order and things were supposedly OK but they sensed something was happening that was hard to put their finger on. They had been to many counselors to find the answer to why they were struggling. They offered an idea that it had something to do with a control problem. Their therapists didn’t pick up on that issue or didn’t know how to pursue that avenue. When I introduced them to the Power and Control dynamics, they lit up with excitement to know that someone would help them understand. They were both highly motivated to change once they learned what was happening. They turned their relationship around fairly quickly because they were very desperate to know.

Terry and Janet reflect a Nice Husband-Anxious Wife Syndrome (NH-AWS) relationship. He was a so called nice man while she was growing in her anxiety. She did her best to make love grow. He assumed her efforts would be enough to make it so. These are primary characteristics in a NHAWS relationship. The anxiety that I often see in women is something that is Google search millions of times each month, trying to find help with anxiety or depression or both. When NHAWS is present it truly gnaws away at the closeness in a relationship. It subtly is a kill joy at the health of the relationship. Yet it’s hard to understand because he is known to be so nice and she is increasingly viewed as the problem because of her anxiety reactions. There are answers for these type of confusing relationships.

Here are some Steps to Help Move from Here to Healthy:

Decide to change yourself. It’s never too late. You don’t have to live as a victim any more. You can become healthy. Make the changes with all the effort and gusto you can muster.

Know what Power and Control are all about. If you don’t understand this much, information is available. The infrastructure of a relationship is truly All About Power and Control.

Learn what healthy really is. What is your real goal you are pursuing? What is your view of love? Does it need to change to reflect what healthy really is about in a close relationship.

Don’t put up with being abused nor should you stoop to abuse or misuse others.

Use your power for good giving you the best opportunity to make your marriage the dream you wanted it to be.

With You in Mind,
Norm

Not What You First Might Think

Breakups happen because of abuse and not mostly because of physical violence. It is because of what is happening at the core of the relationship.

What stops the love from growing is about abuse. But that’s not easy to spot.

So you’re wondering, who is the problem?

You are determined to find out. This is your time. You are going to find out what is going on.

There are three types of strategies (plans) that abusers follow and the varying tactics used to support those strategies. Not that they sit down and write out a plan. It is their long established patterns of how they live their life. In working with victims and their abusers, I have discovered these three basic strategies which I discuss in my book “It’s All About Power and Control…” (Chapters 6-9):

1. WITHHOLDING STRATEGY: Withdrawing their involvement in order to control another’s response to them. They want their victim to come their way, do their bidding, and to follow their lead. And they hold significant power to do that in their relationship.
2. DECEPTION STRATEGY: Manipulation of the mindset in others. Their own deceptions about life are being imposed on others. They connive and scheme their way around with the sense that they are right while they make their victim believe it’s their problem.
3. CRISIS-RISK STRATEGY: Violent domination usually with physical risks of harm to someone or something meaningful to them. Society mostly understands this to be what abuse is about, but abuse has a more insidious core.

There are many and varied tactics for each of these strategies. Abusers invent new tactics but fall into one or more of these three strategies.

The victim mindset is part and parcel of the control relationship. But the controller misuses that vulnerability in the relationship.

The mind game of the abuser is to control what someone thinks and does. That is for the purpose of   restoring the abuser’s order – the way they think things must be.

These dynamics tear aware at the fibre of society. This is at the core of what is abusive in a relationship.

You may feel something is wrong but don’t know what it is. With tactics that are less easy to identify and hence verbalize, it’s important to consider their long term effects to bring clarity to what is happening. Look at the results over time. Something is producing this. Take for example the feeling of wanting to be away from the other one as if being smothered when around them. And, you may not even know why. You just know you are dying inside when around them. This is likely related to the subtle nature of abuse in your relationship.

Abuse victims waste away over the stress caused in the relationship producing side effects such as:  physically with poor health, mentally with confused thoughts, emotionally with anxiety and depression, and even spirituality with radicalism and unquestioned adherence within twisted spiritual dimensions.

Change is possible. It will make a difference…if caught in an abusive relationship. If people are treated as valuable, they will gain through experience a sense of worth. If others are to be your identity, that is too much power for them to have. Don’t give your power away. Out of the power you possess, live your life full and free, happy and well. You don’t have to gain your identity from others. Your intrinsic value, your identity, is because you are a human being formed, developed, and designed that way.

Looking within at the resources you already have developed can be the starting point for your journey to wholeness, from coping to conquering life, from immaturity to a healthy relational presence.

You can be in self control. Your value is not all wrapped up in everybody’s comments or thoughts about you. You have the power to make your identity become a healthy thing. Take this simple but profound thought to heart.

I hope that you will take this, own this, and help reduce the abuse that is embedded within your relationship.

With You in Mind,
Norm

Understand It Through The Quality Of Its Power And Control Dynamics!

Is your marriage stretched to the limit? Are you thinking separation or the big D is the only option left? Relationships are best understood through the quality of the Power and Control dynamics that are present in each one.

Consider what Power is: it is the ability or strength or capability to do or be. This is true whether it is physical or mental or emotional or relational power. For example, you have the mental power (ability) to change your mind. This is true whether you change it or don’t change it. You still have the ability to do it.

Consider what Control is: it is the way you use your power. Acting on that change of mind, whether positive or not, makes use of your ability to change your mind. This is where it becomes evident whether the action is beneficial or detrimental.

Power and Control are neutral, not good or bad, until they are used. Just because you have the power to change your mind doesn’t presume the change will be good or not. How do you use your power and your control?

Abuse, at its core, is the misuse of a person’s Power and Control (P&C). The abusive use of P&C is cyclic in nature. The methods of abusing usually follow a pattern over time where the person varies his or her actions from seeming OK to agitated or aggressive. There are strategies with their many tactics used by an abuser in the misuse of their Power and control.

Whether a person does it intentionally or unintentionally is not the primary issue. The fact that someone is misusing their P&C is what is most important. Learn what is happening. It will bring clarity to what is holding the relationship back in order for both to make the changes needed for an improved relationship.

What you actually do in a relationship reflects your inner beliefs. What are you contributing to the relationship? The misuse of Power and Control is caused from a skewed view of what life is all about. Restored relationships come out of a renewed view by each one of what is healthy and then living that. As you grow up you gain more power and that is being used to influence and impact your relationships, whether it’s good or not.

Abusers typically have dominating control from the power they have or are given. Victims typically react to that dominant control. Victims will entrust themselves to the power of their abuser even though at times trying to resist the abusive actions.

Use your power for good.  Walk your talk. You are in charge of your control. What you do with your power determines whether it is beneficial or detrimental.

Insert what is right, whole, good, and mature to improve your relationship. This offers the best chance to have a healthy one.

Many people give up trying to make their marriage better. This is often due to their ignorance of its Power and Control dynamics. Put lots of energy into understanding the Power and Control influences you are facing. This can help you decide whether there is hope or no hope for improvement.

It’s important that you live whole and mature in your own life. You have the power to do that. You can control yourself. Every step forward is important.

I believe that Two Healthy People Makes One Healthy Relationship.

With You In Mind,
Norm

First, both the therapist and client need to have a learning attitude towards life. This makes a huge difference in the success of counseling. If the client’s attitude is that of “I don’t care to learn from you”, even if you do things right, it is unlikely they will benefit from the therapeutic process. This attitude is most often evidenced when a client is under some type of obligation to be in therapy such as being court ordered or at the insistence of a spouse. On the other hand, if they come with the attitude of “I’m interested in learning from you” it is likely, even if you fumble the ball at times, they will have a useful experience to help them resolve their problems.

Secondly, the goal of both therapist and client needs to have some common ground, similar enough to have a starting point. If a client comes with the desire on their heart to find some answers to why their life is so problematic help usually results. The more similar the goal – the more likely the help.

If the client’s goal is for you to agree with them that can lead to ineffective results. In the early stages of counseling, I probe the client’s teach-ability factor. They may at first state their intent to learn and change. Later, if they show their reluctance for change, I come back to the earlier discussions and challenge them to sort out what they are really saying and what really is their goal in coming to counseling. Sometimes they are so hesitant from previous mistreatment they may at first resist learning. Then, as trust builds, they start to open up. This is different than the one whose goal is simply for you to agree with them.

When there is an alignment of attitudes and goals between you and your client, this offers the most effective environment for positive change as a result of the therapy.