That’s Why “In-House” Investigations Go Nowhere

Trying to expose a sexual abuser is a rocky road. Why? Because they have honed and crafted their deception so well that they can hide their habit right under the nose of those that would, if they knew, take action to protect the victims.

Some Questions from Victims are: So How Do Sexual Abusers Hide and Get Away with It? and, What Can We Do To Expose Them so it will stop?

For victims the Top Priority is not usually exposure of the abuser. It is “How can we be assured the abuse stops?” and “How can I heal?” They would love to bypass the exposure part of the process if the other could still be achieved.

So How Do Sex Abusers Hide and Get Away with it?

1. By controlling their environment. A Sexual Abuser’s worst nightmare is to be faced with the consequences that exposure of their deeds may bring. So in their hiding place, they need to be in complete control of the environment so they can continue to ply their trade, uninterrupted.
2. By picking the victims least likely to expose them. Healthy kids and adults are less likely picked on because they won’t let others manipulate them. An abuser can detect within a few minutes who is needy and those who are a higher risk to reveal their sexual abuse secret. I’ve known sex abusers who would test out the vulnerability and responses of a parent to milder inappropriate behaviour before deciding who’s children to pick on.
3. By picking the social environment most likely to trust them. Religious settings are prime settings especially those that emphasize forgiveness and the ‘rules’ to live by. These settings are ripe for the picking – easier places to hide while in plain view. This is because sexual predators can survive, even thrive, by justifying their actions simply by twisting the applications of set rules. Then, if exposure happens, the rush to forgiveness in this type of social/religious environment makes the pain of exposure brief and easier to bear. You can recognize the theme: forgive and forget.  And more often than not, the focus is on one or two victims so the rest are not willing to be put through the wringer of pain they see the others going through.
4. By finding groups that want to keep investigations “in-house”. This is something abusers count on – damage control. And for the victims already over sensitized to not hurting anyone, they buy the idea of first trying it “in-house”.

What Can Be Done To Expose The Sexual Abuser so It Will Stop?

1. Recognize that sexual abuse is not a simple matter. By the time a child molester is reported for the first time, they have violated over 100 times. Don’t get lulled into believing it is a onetime thing or that there is only one victim.
2. Refuse to keep the investigation “In-House” even when your belief or the organization/group you are part of supports keeping the law out of it. It’s one thing to keep a small matter “In-House” such as a lie. It’s quite a different matter to deal with a criminal act as an “In-House” matter. If someone was financially violated such as in a robbery or a murder, you would let the authorities know, right? When you are sexually violated, let professionals investigate the matter with you. It’s more likely to prevent many more becoming sexual abuse victims and you have the authorities to back you up to defend your rights.
3. Report abuse to the Police or Child Protection Services, even if you need to take a support person with you. Authorities are much better trained today knowing what victims are up against. They know what to look for such as evidence of other abuse victims. Letting the sexual violator in on the investigation too early may alert him/her to cover their tracks in other abuse.
4. Don’t negotiate with the organization that the abuser is part of. There are too many conflicts of interest over things like reputation, obligations, and legal risks for the organization to negotiate on behalf of an abusive employee or member without a significant bias against the victim. I have seen many times that the typical end result of an “In-House” investigation is that the abuser gets all the information needed to water down the reported abuse and develop a defence if it ever goes to legal action. Organizations such as churches or workplaces have little ability to impose restrictive activity on the abuser – so nothing is done nor can be done to stop the abuser. An impasse is usually reached. The group’s leaders fall silent not knowing where to go from there. Even if the “In-House” investigation concludes sexual abuse happened, they have no legal enforcement or clout to keep the abuser from continuing the abuse.

The end result of “In-House” investigations usually results in the following:

• The victim is so exhausted and re-victimized through the process that they and other victims vow never to reveal their abuse. There is little energy or desire left to pursue a legal route.
• The abuser is supported more than the victim.
• The victim is subtly pressured to forgive the abuser.
• The leadership in the organization feel justified because they have been supportive of “both”.
• It ends with an awkward silence after accusations of “he said she said” go back and forth.

Remember one thing. Sexual Abusers are already skilled in deception. They deceive others and they are deceived themselves in justifying what they do. Deception is one of the three strategies of abusers I mention in my book “It’s All About Power and Control” and it has the power to fool a lot of people for a long time.

To put all this another way these may be helpful for your situation:

Sexual abusers control their risk of exposure by how they select their victims and how they do their abuse:

• They want the ones that are vulnerable to suggestion … the more ignorant of personal rights they are the better they can impose their ideas. “The younger, the better” because of this vulnerability.
• Those that tend to first blame themselves for things (tender-hearts, conscientious)
• Those around their same emotional age – more relatable (convincing).
• Abusers may slowly advance their abusive involvement
• Or quickly shock their victim by aggressive action
• Or threaten/force victims to keep quiet.

They also reduce their risk by selecting environments that will be easy on them if exposed:

• They may select those more easily duped by sincere, convincing people who believe most everything people say.
• Those that are especially needy for anything (emotional support, treats, compliments, friends, authority figures, something to believe in, etc.)

When abusers are exposed, they quickly go into damage control mode and may use any number of these:

• Denial
• Twisting/sidestepping the facts
• Minimizing the problem
• Lying/deception
• Blame shifting
• Pulling out the god card (arguing that god wants it to be this way).
• Soliciting sympathy for themselves
• Obligating others to support them

When seeking a defence, they may use the group’s ideals or religious beliefs to reduce their consequences:

• Forgiveness – making it an obligation
• Friendship – “Friend of all” mindsets
• Bible (Holy Word) quotes taken out of context to justify their actions or avoid legal consequences – “… don’t take a brother to court” or “destroy the infidels”.
• They drag their feet to slow an investigation:
• by focusing on minor issues which exhaust those involved,
• by never getting to the weightier matters.
• By skidding their feet all along the way to make it extremely difficult to get to the real issues that expose their wrongdoing.

My Encouragement:

I have found in the past dozen years or so that the police and child protection services have greatly improved their knowledge and experience in dealing with sexual abuse victims as they pursue justice against their abusers. I invite sexual abuse victims to seek out professional counseling help from someone who is experienced in victim support through the legal process and beyond to healing. You can become healthy. I refer to it as moving from just coping to conquering, becoming the healthy person you were designed, created, and formed to be.

With You in Mind,
Norm L. Quantz, MA

Another reason victims keep their abuse secret is they think it will dishonor their family or friend. I explain how that, in fact, is the lie. It is the mistreatment that is dishonoring, not the messenger. Seeking the help of others is the honorable thing to do.

Telling what is true, ultimately benefits the relationship. It is only in living real that you will have the opportunity to thrive in your relationships.

The lie is that ‘keeping violations hidden is the trusting thing to do.’

With You in Mind,
Norm

One reason victims don’t share and thereby keep their abuse a secret, is that they know they won’t be believed. They have grown up within relationships where their voice is not respected, so they think “If I tell it won’t be believed.” In this video I explain the importance of telling others.

With You in Mind,
Norm

Abuser and Victim are common terms. There are different ways of saying the same thing. I explain in this video vignette various words we use to describe this misuse of power and control in relationships. I then explain the primary dynamic that is present when these variations are used.

Listen to find out what the common result is no matter what you call it.

Those who misuse control over others are often extreme information gatherers. They then use that to position themselves with more control. At first it seems an innocent gathering of information but later reveals the twisted issues connected to their domination of another. In this video clip, I provide a point of view that may help you sort out the truth in these types of relationships.

With You In Mind,
Norm

Have you felt that “he’s driving me crazy?” I address that issue showing how you may be trying to weave very thin threads of truth that the controller gives you and you’re attempting to make a tapestry out of such meagre points. It doesn’t work. Victims try to believe their controller, but conflicted thinking isn’t true thinking. Developing your own understanding of the truth is important for improving your life.

To gain a context for understanding this video, first view the previous 3 about double mindedness and conflicted thinkers.

Part 1 – Multi-Tasking, Congruity and Double Mindedness
Part 2 – Why Controllers Develop Double Minded Thinking
Part 3 – Straw Thinking

With You in Mind,
Norm

Clients have often asked me to explain why their spouse, the controller, gets so focused on such trivial issues. It is because of what I call “Straw Thinking”. When the controller is so focused on such a narrow issue as though they have to make it their own “Custard’s Last Stand”, they lose track of what is important. They trade away a healthy mindset for a stroke of their ego. In this video, I describe how Straw Thinking is not productive in bringing about healthiness in a relationship.

With You in Mind,
Norm

There is an unstable nature to someone who is Double Minded. The reason this happens is because a controlling person is consumed with their success or failure of getting someone to comply with their expectations that they lose track of pursuing what is true, right and wholesome.

With You in Mind,
Norm

Controllers are adept at mixing the good with the bad. Double-Mindedness is presented as multi-tasking and congruity. In this video I touch on the way they really are and expose the way to distinguish their differences. Recognizing those differences can help you resist being caught up in the deception of a controller’s mindless nonsense in justifying their destructive power and control.

With You in Mind
Norm

In this video I talk about the issues of psychological abuse and the resulting stress. I take a look at what this stress can produce in the mind and body. When a person is living with psychological abuse there is a tension that is built between what you feel you should do and doing what you are expected to do. I will give a few examples of this type of pushing in the video. When these types of control factors exist in the relationship, stress is produced.

There has been a lot of research done on how stress produces illness in the body. Dr Gabor Mate has written a whole book on this subject. The book is called “When the Body says No.” Physically, stress caused by psychological abuse puts a number of chemical components into the body system, which have an effect on the health of the body, causing damage to the immune system and interfering with overall wellbeing.

It is difficult to know how to deal with stress produced by psychological abuse. In this video I talk about some of these factors, and offer some insight into stress which produces illness. If you are experiencing this kind of stress in your relationships, you may find that you need some professional help to deal with this.

Are you involved in a psychologically abusive relationship that is now producing illness in your body and if so, what are you doing about it? Have a look at this video and please feel free to leave your comments or questions in the comment form.

With You in Mind,
Norm Quantz