Steps To Move Your Relationship Forward
Particularly If You Have A NH-AWS Relationship
This video considers the importance of Power and Control dynamics in your close relationships such as your marriage. Then I introduce you to a new Syndrome I have called the NH-AWS, the Nice Husband-Anxious Wife Syndrome and explain how that may be affecting the health of your relationship. And finally I outline some steps to move you forward from what your marriage is now to what you want it to be.
When you said your vows, you didn’t mean you would tolerate being abused. But now you realize that may just be what is happening and you don’t know what to do with it.
If you know what the Power and Control dynamic’s are like and who has the most power in the relationship and how that power is being used to control, you will have a useful grid to help you interpret where the problem is so it can be changed. When two people are committed to growing and developing a healthy view of life and living and relationships, you have the best chance to succeed at thriving in your marriage.
We as humans, at our core nature, are designed for and capable of healthy relationships. That is what we want. When you are committed to each other to make it healthy, that is the best opportunity you will have to fulfill those core longings.
It takes motivation from both and a well tuned relational compass by learning how to relate to each other in order to make the best happen.
Couples can find wholeness, freedom, and deep fulfillment in their marriage when they are both using healthy Power and Control dynamics in their life.
Understanding healthy Power and Control is critical to developing a healthy relationship. Guys, you can set your partner free to help her understand what power she has to make a difference in the relationship and that she can own her power and act in a way and control her life to make a difference. Men’s awareness of their Power and Control and how it is used or misused can change their relational style around and help them recognize and acknowledge their feelings, know what intimacy is all about without it being just a physical reference, and be a primary catalyst for love to grow. Both need to be acquainted with their deep relational longing of being loved and cherished and of their impact of love on the other. It raised the chances and brings hope for a thriving, long lasting relationship.
As one couple looked for help it became apparent that she was gentle, tender, and focused on a soft interpretation of love. She tried to impact him for good. He was accusative of her, blaming her for the lack of love he thought should be coming from her. He seemed to be a very needy man as if he needed her to be alright. When he realized his lifestyle and his mindset was really creating a lot of chaos in the relationship, he came to understand how much power he had in bringing confusion and stopping love from growing. When he learned that, it has resulted in a healthy change in the marriage. Instead of divorce, it has turned around to healthy, with excitement and joy spread out to their family.
With Terry and Janet (not their real names) everything seemed to be in order and things were supposedly OK but they sensed something was happening that was hard to put their finger on. They had been to many counselors to find the answer to why they were struggling. They offered an idea that it had something to do with a control problem. Their therapists didn’t pick up on that issue or didn’t know how to pursue that avenue. When I introduced them to the Power and Control dynamics, they lit up with excitement to know that someone would help them understand. They were both highly motivated to change once they learned what was happening. They turned their relationship around fairly quickly because they were very desperate to know.
Terry and Janet reflect a Nice Husband-Anxious Wife Syndrome (NH-AWS) relationship. He was a so called nice man while she was growing in her anxiety. She did her best to make love grow. He assumed her efforts would be enough to make it so. These are primary characteristics in a NHAWS relationship. The anxiety that I often see in women is something that is Google search millions of times each month, trying to find help with anxiety or depression or both. When NHAWS is present it truly gnaws away at the closeness in a relationship. It subtly is a kill joy at the health of the relationship. Yet it’s hard to understand because he is known to be so nice and she is increasingly viewed as the problem because of her anxiety reactions. There are answers for these type of confusing relationships.
Here are some Steps to Help Move from Here to Healthy:
Decide to change yourself. It’s never too late. You don’t have to live as a victim any more. You can become healthy. Make the changes with all the effort and gusto you can muster.
Know what Power and Control are all about. If you don’t understand this much, information is available. The infrastructure of a relationship is truly All About Power and Control.
Learn what healthy really is. What is your real goal you are pursuing? What is your view of love? Does it need to change to reflect what healthy really is about in a close relationship.
Don’t put up with being abused nor should you stoop to abuse or misuse others.
Use your power for good giving you the best opportunity to make your marriage the dream you wanted it to be.
With You in Mind,
Norm
Why Relationships Break Up?
Not What You First Might Think
Breakups happen because of abuse and not mostly because of physical violence. It is because of what is happening at the core of the relationship.
What stops the love from growing is about abuse. But that’s not easy to spot.
So you’re wondering, who is the problem?
You are determined to find out. This is your time. You are going to find out what is going on.
There are three types of strategies (plans) that abusers follow and the varying tactics used to support those strategies. Not that they sit down and write out a plan. It is their long established patterns of how they live their life. In working with victims and their abusers, I have discovered these three basic strategies which I discuss in my book “It’s All About Power and Control…” (Chapters 6-9):
- WITHHOLDING STRATEGY: Withdrawing their involvement in order to control another’s response to them. They want their victim to come their way, do their bidding, and to follow their lead. And they hold significant power to do that in their relationship.
- DECEPTION STRATEGY: Manipulation of the mindset in others. Their own deceptions about life are being imposed on others. They connive and scheme their way around with the sense that they are right while they make their victim believe it’s their problem.
- CRISIS-RISK STRATEGY: Violent domination usually with physical risks of harm to someone or something meaningful to them. Society mostly understands this to be what abuse is about, but abuse has a more insidious core.
There are many and varied tactics for each of these strategies. Abusers invent new tactics but fall into one or more of these three strategies.
The victim mindset is part and parcel of the control relationship. But the controller misuses that vulnerability in the relationship.
The mind game of the abuser is to control what someone thinks and does. That is for the purpose of restoring the abuser’s order – the way they think things must be.
These dynamics tear aware at the fibre of society. This is at the core of what is abusive in a relationship.
You may feel something is wrong but don’t know what it is. With tactics that are less easy to identify and hence verbalize, it’s important to consider their long term effects to bring clarity to what is happening. Look at the results over time. Something is producing this. Take for example the feeling of wanting to be away from the other one as if being smothered when around them. And, you may not even know why. You just know you are dying inside when around them. This is likely related to the subtle nature of abuse in your relationship.
Abuse victims waste away over the stress caused in the relationship producing side effects such as: physically with poor health, mentally with confused thoughts, emotionally with anxiety and depression, and even spirituality with radicalism and unquestioned adherence within twisted spiritual dimensions.
Change is possible. It will make a difference…if caught in an abusive relationship. If people are treated as valuable, they will gain through experience a sense of worth. If others are to be your identity, that is too much power for them to have. Don’t give your power away. Out of the power you possess, live your life full and free, happy and well. You don’t have to gain your identity from others. Your intrinsic value, your identity, is because you are a human being formed, developed, and designed that way.
Looking within at the resources you already have developed can be the starting point for your journey to wholeness, from coping to conquering life, from immaturity to a healthy relational presence.
You can be in self control. Your value is not all wrapped up in everybody’s comments or thoughts about you. You have the power to make your identity become a healthy thing. Take this simple but profound thought to heart.
I hope that you will take this, own this, and help reduce the abuse that is embedded within your relationship.
With You in Mind,
Norm
Can Your Relationship Make It?
Understand It Through The Quality Of Its Power And Control Dynamics!
Is your marriage stretched to the limit? Are you thinking separation or the big D is the only option left? Relationships are best understood through the quality of the Power and Control dynamics that are present in each one.
Consider what Power is: it is the ability or strength or capability to do or be. This is true whether it is physical or mental or emotional or relational power. For example, you have the mental power (ability) to change your mind. This is true whether you change it or don’t change it. You still have the ability to do it.
Consider what Control is: it is the way you use your power. Acting on that change of mind, whether positive or not, makes use of your ability to change your mind. This is where it becomes evident whether the action is beneficial or detrimental.
Power and Control are neutral, not good or bad, until they are used. Just because you have the power to change your mind doesn’t presume the change will be good or not. How do you use your power and your control?
Abuse, at its core, is the misuse of a person’s Power and Control (P&C). The abusive use of P&C is cyclic in nature. The methods of abusing usually follow a pattern over time where the person varies his or her actions from seeming OK to agitated or aggressive. There are strategies with their many tactics used by an abuser in the misuse of their Power and control.
Whether a person does it intentionally or unintentionally is not the primary issue. The fact that someone is misusing their P&C is what is most important. Learn what is happening. It will bring clarity to what is holding the relationship back in order for both to make the changes needed for an improved relationship.
What you actually do in a relationship reflects your inner beliefs. What are you contributing to the relationship? The misuse of Power and Control is caused from a skewed view of what life is all about. Restored relationships come out of a renewed view by each one of what is healthy and then living that. As you grow up you gain more power and that is being used to influence and impact your relationships, whether it’s good or not.
Abusers typically have dominating control from the power they have or are given. Victims typically react to that dominant control. Victims will entrust themselves to the power of their abuser even though at times trying to resist the abusive actions.
Use your power for good. Walk your talk. You are in charge of your control. What you do with your power determines whether it is beneficial or detrimental.
Insert what is right, whole, good, and mature to improve your relationship. This offers the best chance to have a healthy one.
Many people give up trying to make their marriage better. This is often due to their ignorance of its Power and Control dynamics. Put lots of energy into understanding the Power and Control influences you are facing. This can help you decide whether there is hope or no hope for improvement.
It’s important that you live whole and mature in your own life. You have the power to do that. You can control yourself. Every step forward is important.
I believe that Two Healthy People Makes One Healthy Relationship.
With You In Mind,
Norm
What Makes Therapy Effective
We as therapists are very interested in giving the help that our clients need. We are tuned in to ourselves and our clients as we make sure our therapy is improving. Two things are fundamental in our relationship with clients that help us develop better therapy.
First, both the therapist and client need to have a learning attitude towards life. This makes a huge difference in the success of counseling. If the client’s attitude is that of “I don’t care to learn from you”, even if you do things right, it is unlikely they will benefit from the therapeutic process. This attitude is most often evidenced when a client is under some type of obligation to be in therapy such as being court ordered or at the insistence of a spouse. On the other hand, if they come with the attitude of “I’m interested in learning from you” it is likely, even if you fumble the ball at times, they will have a useful experience to help them resolve their problems.
Secondly, the goal of both therapist and client needs to have some common ground, similar enough to have a starting point. If a client comes with the desire on their heart to find some answers to why their life is so problematic help usually results. The more similar the goal – the more likely the help.
If the client’s goal is for you to agree with them that can lead to ineffective results. In the early stages of counseling, I probe the client’s teach-ability factor. They may at first state their intent to learn and change. Later, if they show their reluctance for change, I come back to the earlier discussions and challenge them to sort out what they are really saying and what really is their goal in coming to counseling. Sometimes they are so hesitant from previous mistreatment they may at first resist learning. Then, as trust builds, they start to open up. This is different than the one whose goal is simply for you to agree with them.
When there is an alignment of attitudes and goals between you and your client, this offers the most effective environment for positive change as a result of the therapy.
Hers, Mine, Ours
Let’s talk about money – hers, mine, and ours. How I think about it may help you. I make money from being a therapist. Even if my wife doesn’t do anything that generates money, I consider her to be making half of my income so it is our income, not my income.
It’s not just my decision as to what the money will be spent on. I’m not in charge of determining where the money is spent. It is a decision for both of us to make. To approach the relationship without deciding on money issues is a denial of the fact that money is truly a part of the daily reality of a relationship. It’s important to have the attitude that it is our money, not just mine. She needs to realize it is hers as well. Approaching money as ours enhances our harmony as we enjoy the benefits from this type of healthy attitude. It is inspiring to make spending plans together as a couple to keep the vibrancy in our relationship.
The “Do Nothing” Problem in Relationships
Some people decide to do nothing in order to avoid being wrong.
That is a problem!
To do nothing keeps you from being a benefit to the relationship. You may want to only be involved when you can do right. That is not how a relationship works.
Relationships operate best when you participate by investing yourself as you really are now then make course corrections along the way. Doing nothing is like a ball and chain around the other. Those who are spinning their wheels faster and faster in an attempt to bring life into the relationship may be reacting to the do nothing approach of their partner. This approach is the primary source of power behind the growing anxiety.
To solve the angst problem take the risk of investing yourself as you self correct along the way.
The Power Of Separation
Have you been trying to grab the attention of your spouse to the troubles in your marriage relationship? Is it going nowhere and you are at your wits end? It has been amazing to me as a counseling therapist how powerful separation is to gain the attention of a reluctant spouse to the seriousness of the matters that tear away at the marriage harmony. It seems that when separation takes place, often a switch goes off in the partner’s head that awakens their sense of urgency, draws them out of complacency, and starts them on the road of personal investigation into the marriage problems. I mention in this video that often the reason for this is about how much it is known outside the family that the marriage is in trouble. As long as it can be kept “in-house”, the urgency isn’t there. Once it affects the spouse’s outside relationships, then it is given a higher priority.
I caution those considering separation if there is risk of physical harm, to have a well laid plan before leaving. Also, it is not a matter to take lightly as an attention getter. Be serious about it or the results may complicate any future attempt to separate.
This may be your time to raise the level of concern to the place separation may be the best option. If your spouse refuses to get the help needed to turn the marriage relationship around towards healthy and seems to only pay lip service to any move to change, this may be your time to consider separation. What is your situation like? The Power of Separation can be used for good but make sure this is well thought out or it can backfire on you. It is important for you to get advice on these matters from those who understand the risk.
With You in Mind,
Norm
Don’t Send Your Teens The Wrong Message
Responding too quickly or not at all to what teens do and say gives them the wrong message. Let them ponder their thoughts out loud so they can hear themselves think. This will allow them the opportunity to form an opinion about their own thoughts just like they do with all the other thoughts around them. I explain how this creates connections with them and contributes to developing them into responsible citizens.
Keeping Abuse A Secret, Why Victims Don’t Share – Reason #2
Another reason victims keep their abuse secret is they think it will dishonor their family or friend. I explain how that, in fact, is the lie. It is the mistreatment that is dishonoring, not the messenger. Seeking the help of others is the honorable thing to do.
Telling what is true, ultimately benefits the relationship. It is only in living real that you will have the opportunity to thrive in your relationships.
The lie is that ‘keeping violations hidden is the trusting thing to do.’
With You in Mind,
Norm
Keeping Abuse A Secret, Why Victims Don’t Share
One reason victims don’t share and thereby keep their abuse a secret, is that they know they won’t be believed. They have grown up within relationships where their voice is not respected, so they think “If I tell it won’t be believed.” In this video I explain the importance of telling others.
With You in Mind,
Norm
